We’re Related Now (But I Still Don’t Know What to Call You)

Now that we have in-law children, we also have in-law families: parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles, both related and honorary. What we lack is an easy way to refer to all of them. 

As I’m anticipating hosting the extended branches of our family for the holidays, I have teasingly called them “the in-laws and the outlaws.” But I am daunted to think of introducing all of those people to one another without cumbersome explanations of who belongs to whom.

“Hey, I’d like you to meet my son-in-law’s brother’s fiancee, who is my daughter’s future sister-in-law,” or “This is my daughter-in-law’s aunt, she’s my son’s mother-in-law’s sister.” Nobody has the bandwidth to follow that genealogy on the first try. And what about the double cousins whose parents are pairs of siblings? (I know that sounds illegal in at least 43 states, but it really is a thing.)

So, wordsmith that I am, I asked a free version of a popular AI search engine to start with the basics: “What do I call my child’s spouse’s parents?” Apparently, you get the expertise you pay for, because the free AI response was, “Your daughter-in-law’s mother is your mother-in-law.” Um, no. That assuredly would be illegal in multiple states.

Other cultures, notably those whose languages include masculine and feminine forms of words, have distinct terms for these relationships. “Consuegros” in Spanish and “Machatunim” in Yiddish are the two most frequent suggestions that appear in online forums. (Curiously, enough people ask this question that it needs an online forum to discuss.) But neither language is part of my heritage, so appropriating those words for my extended family would be, well, inappropriate.

What do I call my kids’ in-laws?

So now I am at a loss for words. Actually, the English language is at a loss for words. At my age my memory already fumbles to recall real words I want to use in conversation. How am I supposed to use a word that doesn’t exist?

The closest English suggestion I could find to describe my relationship to my child’s in-laws is “co-parents.” But that sounds like we had a hand in raising each others’ children. Or we lived in a hippie commune (or both). We didn’t, in either case. We met the kids-in-law and their parents as adults, long after the child-rearing years had passed. 

One article I found posited that the lack of an English term is a subtle indication of how little the in-law relationship is valued in Western cultures. That’s why stereotypes of the meddling mother-in-law and judgmental father-in-law abound in popular media. Snarky society expects us to criticize and complain about the other side of the family.

That’s not for me. I was fully prepared to love the people who love my kids. After all, I had been praying for that very thing since my kids were babies.

Getting to know the “other” parents has been an evolving blessing and delight. Everyone was nervous when we first met, but we approached each other with tentative smiles and open minds. We discovered we have faith, food, and football in common, even if some of our teams are rivals. Our tastes in hobbies, music, and books differ, yet we can appreciate each others’ interests. As we spend time together, we are building a foundation of mutual love and respect.

I know this sounds idyllic, and in some ways we are still in the honeymoon phase with our co-in-laws (in-law adjacents? cross in-laws? parental opposites?). No doubt at some point in our shared future we will inadvertently offend, annoy, or step on one another’s toes. We will need to ask forgiveness, seek understanding, or grant grace.

As long as we value our relationship, it won’t matter what we call each other.

In the end, we are family.