Turning Outlaws into In-Laws

Saying “I do” doesn’t immediately make you family.

Turning outlaws into in-laws isn’t easy, because marrying into a family and joining a family are two different things. Marriage is a moment, but joining is a journey. I’ve witnessed this phenomenon in our own family as the nieces and nephews begin to tie the knot. Although the new young spouses wade in carefully, they still create tidal waves in the family gene pool.

Let’s face it, legally the new spouses might be in-laws, but in reality they are outlaws. Think of any classic western. Folks tread warily when a stranger comes to town. Newcomers are unknown, unpredictable, and possibly untrustworthy. But once they prove themselves, they win the loyalty and support of their townspeople forevermore.

Some outlaws struggle to assimilate into the family. A disastrous first impression may take years to overcome. But there’s one sure way to fast track you into the family fold: road trip together.

Because nothing turns outlaws into in-laws as effectively as a family vacation. It’s the ideal proving ground.

Neutral Territory

Vacations put you in neutral territory. Once you hit the hotel, beach resort or campground, no one is the host, and you are not a guest. You are not an interloper invading someone else’s space. Manners are still a must, but at least there’s no risk of accidentally sitting in Papa Bear’s chair or using the dog spoon.

Camaraderie

For the duration of the vacation, you share the experience. Everyone is living out of suitcases, sleeping in unfamiliar beds, and listening to Uncle Ed snore. You commiserate over the paltry water pressure in the shower, and giggle over the jet engine turbo-flush in the bathroom.

Proximity also fosters intimacy. With the whole clan together, there is always someone to join you for a late night soak in the hot tub. You have ready partners for tennis and croquet, or euchre and Uno. The masochistic ones even rise at daybreak to run together.

Generosity

Family vacations give outlaws an opportunity to contribute to the well being of the tribe. You can get up early to put the coffee on, or take a turn pushing the wheelchair or the stroller. Treat for ice cream or buy the popcorn at the movies – a generous nature doesn’t need a six-figure bank account.

Don’t be stingy with your conversation either. Talk to everyone and make an effort to connect. Aunt Clara may be a dotty old thing but she’ll dish the family dirt. Share your opinions and your sense of humor. And listen. As you learn the family stories, you’ll figure out where you fit in.

Tasting and Teasing

Among our family there are two foolproof indications that the outlaws have turned into in-laws. One is the taste test.

Our family is generous around the dinner table, especially when we go out to eat. When everyone orders a different entrée, taste testing and shared bites WILL be offered around the table. We share glasses, forks and plates without a thought to communicable diseases.

No dessert is sacred. If you don’t grab possessively for your cheesecake when the relatives circle with forks extended, your transformation from outlaw to in-law has truly begun.

But you’ve really achieved in-law status once we start teasing. If you’re not being needled, harassed or ridiculed in some way, you’ve truly failed to break into the family ranks. And the more elaborate the prank, the deeper you have assimilated into the clan. Put it this way, the effort we expend in humiliating you is directly proportionate to how much we care about you.

Welcome to the family.