Think Outside the Mailbox

Whoever said, “You can’t put a square peg in a round hole” obviously never met my mailman.

Writers who use clichés are like street punks who use four-letter words. They lack the imagination to be original and are too lazy to be creative. Ironically, writers must “think outside the box” to avoid producing clichéd copy. Updating a familiar phrase with fresh images helps impart old wisdom with new creativity. For example, let’s revise that geometric adage “You can’t put a square peg in a round hole” with an update worthy of framed wall space at the neighborhood post office. Today’s version should read: “If the package doesn’t fit, it’s time to think outside the mailbox.”

Apparently my postman disagrees. I recently found my latest Amazon parcel wedged in the mailbox tighter than a miser holding his last nickel. In addition, my letters and bills were jammed in alongside the package, insuring that I could retrieve none of them.

Granted, leaning out the window with my foot on the brake and the car still in gear afforded minimal leverage. But even standing flatfooted in front of the mailbox, I couldn’t grip the box enough to yank it free. I did manage to siphon out the letters and bills with limited damage, although my utilities company will likely conclude my dog ate my invoice along with my kid’s homework.

The most vexing part of the whole incident is that it shouldn’t have happened at all. For the nearly two decades I have lived in my house, the USPS has established their precedent. They left packages too big for the mailbox on the front porch. So stuffing my mailbox like a Christmas goose was a total break from protocol.

And it’s not like the driveway was treacherous or the porch inaccessible. We prepare for Amazon arrivals better than Buckingham Palace readies for the Queen. In fact, were that Royal Person delivering our packages, she would not be at risk for so much as stubbing her toe on our front sidewalk. If it’s safe enough for the Queen, it should be reasonably adequate for our local carrier on his appointed rounds.

Perhaps I should graciously allow that the postman “thought” the package would fit. But really, shouldn’t the urge to revise that thought have strengthened with every foot-pound of force he used to cram the carton into the mailbox? Delivering my mail is no time for a spatially challenged postman to go rogue.

Full Disclosure

I admit, I have also inconvenienced others while attempting to save time or make life easier for myself. I have certainly annoyed and exasperated the ones I love far more often than the local mailman has discommoded me. But because my dear ones love me in return, they grant grace and forgiveness to me when I ask. And even when I don’t. Maybe I should think outside the box and extend the same grace and forgiveness to others, whether they realize they have wronged me or not.

Now, for some reason I feel compelled to go leave a cupcake in my mailbox.