The Toothpaste Test

Living in harmony starts with the toothpaste test

As another wedding anniversary looms I find myself thinking back to those early years of learning to live together in harmony. The difference between deciding to marry and living everyday life together is like fishing for sardines and landing a 100-pound halibut. The reality is so much bigger than the dream.

There are so many adjustments to make as you launch into marriage. Pastors and pre-marital counselors try to prepare you to resolve conflicts by giving scenarios to work through. One of my favorites is the toothpaste question: if you and your spouse prefer different brands of toothpaste, how do you choose which one to buy?

This is actually a trick question. Those who view marriage’s tenet of two-becoming-one as the ultimate goal might feel that you should choose one or the other. Marriage is about compromise, right?

Wrong.

It’s not about compromise

Compromise is about giving up something you each want to settle for something neither of you wants. For example, you decide to go out for dinner but can’t agree on a restaurant. One wants Italian and the other wants Mexican. So you compromise and go out for Chinese, but you find neither of you enjoy it like you’d hoped.

Marriage is about understanding and support, and sacrificial giving in accordance with your desire to please your mate. So if he wants Italian, I’ll find something on the menu I like. But what I really like is seeing him enjoy his meal. And not having to cook or do dishes.

Passing the toothpaste test

So back to the toothpaste question. How do you choose which toothpaste to buy? You don’t have to. It’s perfectly okay to buy two different sets of personal hygiene products. His and hers. If we happen to like the same brands, fine. But I certainly don’t want to use his big bar of manly-smelling soap, and he doesn’t want to use my mint and citrus scented shampoo. Besides, the dogs wouldn’t be able to tell us apart without rudely sniffing in places impolite in company.

Failing the toothbrush test

Well, we passed the toothpaste test in pre-marital counseling. But we failed the toothbrush test within days of tying the knot.

I was so happy to set up our first home – hanging up our new matching luxury bath towels, putting the toothbrushes in the holder, and stringing our cute shower curtain on the rod over the tub. We were still newly married enough (and our bathroom was so small) that we allowed each other privacy to wash up.

It took a few days to notice, but every time I was the second one in the bathroom I found that my toothbrush was already wet. It seems I had placed my brush in “his” spot in the holder – the front right – and he automatically grabbed it without realizing it was mine. And much as he loved me and desired to support my arrangement by sacrificially giving up his toothbrush’s spot, he could not unlearn the habit of a lifetime.

So with complete understanding, I moved my toothbrush to the back left.

Learning to live in harmony. The reality is so much bigger than the dream.

I’d love to hear how you learned to live in harmony! Share your thoughts in the comments below. If you enjoyed this post, subscribe to my website in the sidebar (or at the bottom for mobile users). You’ll get an email every time I post a new article.