The Great Zucchini Debate

Some Families Debate Politics, We Argue Over Vegetables

“Look at the size of this one!”

Many summer memories on my in-laws’ farm featured Dad emerging triumphant from the garden, holding an enormous zucchini aloft. Mom, on the porch, admired and exclaimed over the gigantic harvest, declaring each time that surely this is the biggest zucchini they’d ever grown, and oh, how wonderful it would taste. 

I beg to differ.

Our family has a long-running debate about the merits of mega-zucchini. My mother-in-law insists that bigger is better, but my husband contends there is nothing nastier than a two-foot-long zucchini as big around as his calves. He prefers his veggies petite, if he must eat them at all. I can’t fault his reasoning. With huge seeds and partially petrified skin, mega-zucchini are the definition of inedible. 

Worse, Mom served these garden Goliaths in a dish she called “zucchini boats.” She scooped out the tough seeds and fibrous pulp, added ground beef and tomato sauce, then refilled the shell with the mixture and baked it. To hear my husband tell it, no amount of melted cheese on top could redeem this unpalatable meal. 

Mega-zucchini holds no fond memories in my childhood experience either. My mother boiled zucchini slices to death and then tried to revive them with salt and butter. I was a fairly compliant child, but when a pile of mushy zucchini graced my plate, with the runoff puddling under my hamburger bun, “finish your dinner” provoked even me to rebellion.

Discuss Zucchini Bias Before You Wed

I won’t go so far as to claim that mutual dislike of zucchini made us soulmates, but my husband and I did count it in the pro column of compatibility before marriage. Onlookers at our wedding might have heard us speak vows to “love, honor and cherish,” but I assure you we both silently added “and forsaking all mega-zucchini” before “til death do us part.”

After several zucchini-free years of marriage, a garden guru friend taught me the secret to successful Z-cuisine. Bypass the mega, choose the mini. Reject any zucchini bigger than my forearm. Then treat it like the baby vegetable it is, handling it gently, and vetting its playmates.

Zucchini easily absorbs the flavors around it, so monitor any too-robust influences. Chop, plank, or slice it, toss it lightly with basting oil or salad dressing, or sprinkle on some spices and drizzle with a little butter. Then DON’T overcook it! It doesn’t need a full-on boil, or prolonged baking. Just gentle steaming, quick stir frying, or diligently supervised roasting or grilling. Delicious.

Recently we revived the great zucchini debate when my niece posted a picture of a whopping zucchini on the family chat. To my surprise, relatives who should have known better waxed enthusiastic for the mega-zucchini.

After some predictably hilarious banter, I summarized what should have been the winning argument. If you grow a mega-zucchini, take a picture for bragging rights, and harvest the seeds to save for planting next year. Then puree that bad boy and feed it to your compost pile.

“But those big zucchini with huge seeds are great for elimination,” my mother-in-law posted.  

And thus, an outrageous breach of protocol abruptly ended the debate. Because you don’t talk about bowel health on the family chat thread. You. Just. Don’t.

Besides, the point is moot. Eating lots of tender, flavorful, YOUNG zucchini, and drinking a healthy amount of water everyday will solve that issue for you. Regularly. 

Promise.

What side do you land on in the great zucchini debate? Or are there other, more notorious veggies in your life? Share your comments below!