How well do I know myself? Apparently not well enough.

When I was a kid, the cool girls shared personality quizzes from Tiger Beat magazine on the school bus. Sadly, my uncool self never scored high enough to break into the ranks of potential celebrity girlfriends. (Your loss, David Cassidy.) As we grew up, those same cool girls advanced to quizzes in Cosmopolitan magazine. I never took those. The Cosmo quiz topics were embarrassingly personal. And the “results” did not reflect well on the reputation of any all-American girl next door.

Today’s popular media has expanded the scope of personality quizzes to galactic proportions. How well do I know myself? Apparently not well enough. Thankfully, the Internet abounds with questionnaires to help me figure it out. While the scientific validity of these surveys is suspect, sometimes I can’t resist filling in the blanks to see how I measure up.

Psychological profile at your fingertips

The process is easy. I just answer a couple of simple questions and in a few clicks my personality type and complete psychological profile appear. Online quizzes have provided insight to my ideal career path, my best investment strategies, and how long I’m likely to live. They have also identified my inner Disney princess, the secret food that feeds my soul, and the dog breed I should own to bring me the most happiness.

(I didn’t take the one that catalogued the characteristics of my true mate. Hubby and I have muddled along fairly well for 31 years. It wasn’t worth the risk of finding out he might be the wrong guy.)

Understandable to unfathomable logic

Survey results can also be wildly unpredictable. The logic behind the conclusions runs the gamut from understandable to unfathomable. One personality test concluded that I “tended toward self-preservation” because I sightsee instead of skydive. Apparently, my fear of heights and respect for gravity prevent me from being a risk-taker. How insightful. And I can see how my level of caffeine intake correlates with my “agreeableness” score. But how does sleeping in the fetal position make me “an intuitive and optimistic” person? I thought I was just cold.

Many employers now require a potential employee to take a personality test before the final hiring decision. Current research suggests that a positive working environment is 85% chemistry and 15% competence. Frankly, if I owned a multimillion-dollar corporation, I’d hire for competence and give Mr. Grouchy Employee an office with a door. And a Snickers bar.

A fun waste of time

Online quizzes are fun and harmless, but also a tremendous waste of time. The 15 minutes I spent to learn that I’m capable of raiding the refrigerator without getting caught? I’ll never get those minutes back.

Glad to know, however, that what I order at McDonalds can tell me what I should be for Halloween.