Just Two: The New Reality for Empty Nest Couples

As an empty nest couple with no grandchildren, my husband and I are rediscovering the joy of being “just two” again. So when we agreed to watch our children’s dogs for the weekend while both sets of kids were out of town, I teased him that this would be low-key grandparent practice. 

Although all four of our dogs get along, we put some thought into feeding, walking, and sleeping arrangements to minimize opportunities for mischief. At bedtime this put our old collie in the living room with our son’s adolescent golden retriever, while our daughter’s collie, Flame, and our little Cavalier ended up in the bedroom with us.

When the kids lived at home we had a “no dogs on the bed” rule, which Flame routinely ignored. To prevent him from cannonballing into our midst during his nightly bedtime visit, our daughter taught him to put “just two” paws on the mattress. As we settled into bed that first night of the grand-dog sleepover, I patted the covers and told Flame, “Just two.” True to his training, he put his front feet on the edge of the bed and leaned in for a brief pat and a smooch on his long nose. 

As he got down and curled up on the floor at my bedside, I thought a bit more about being “just two” as an empty nest couple. My husband and I were married for seven years before starting our family. But being just two now, after nearly forty years, looks vastly different than it did back then. And yet, there are similarities too, or perhaps I should call them universalities. Then, as now, we still focus on our relationship, our goals, and our growth to keep our marriage strong.

Our relationship

We spent the first few years learning about each other, and learning to live with each other. We figured out what was important to each of us and how to accommodate one another. Those were years of growing in wisdom, and often the source of the advice I share with newlyweds. Things like: what to do when he uses your toothbrush, make sure you each have a little “fun money,” and – pro tip here – don’t argue on an empty stomach.

Good relationships require excellent communication. Many simple conflicts and minor irritations can be resolved when we clarify our positions. When I was a young wife, an older friend shared her two most-used phrases when (mis-) communicating with her husband. “Forgive me, in my head I told you,” and “Please explain. I flunked mind-reading.” For someone like me who is conflict-averse, it was a good lesson in handling communication with humor and humility. 

For empty nest couples, the communication skills must continue to evolve. After all these years of marriage, I’m still amazed how many times I assume we understand each other, only to find we are not on the same page at all. For example, through years of family dinners, broccoli was one of the go-to vegetables everybody ate without complaint. Imagine my surprise when, once the kids left for college and I was again cooking for just two, my husband said to me, “You know, I’ve never really cared for broccoli. I’m fine if you never serve it to me again.”

Which brings up another perk of being just two – we do not constantly have to set a good example because the kids are watching.

Our goals

Most young couples talk about their dreams and goals for the future, and we were no different. Early on, one big goal was paying off the student loans so I could stay home with children if we were so blessed. Time and again I chafed at the slowness of that process, asking God for patience while waiting for that dream to come true. Owning a house also ranked high on the list, although I don’t recommend our strategy of moving in a week before the first baby was born (except for the bonus that I didn’t have to do any of the heavy lifting).

I’m not sure if there is more vulnerability in sharing goals and dreams as newlyweds or as an empty nest couple. But you have to start somewhere. Building the habit of sharing early in a relationship will also build the confidence to share the bigger and more complex dreams as the relationship matures. 

My husband and I sit down together every New Year’s Day and make plans for the coming year. We determine the big projects for home improvement, block out potential vacation dates, and discuss the random wishes and ideas we want to pursue. A few times a year we revisit the conversation, and revise or rescript as necessary. Since we are both To Do List people, this method works for us.

Ironically, setting goals as just two still involves a great deal of thinking about the kids – both how we can show up for them and when we should leave them alone.

Our growth

Part of the adventure of sharing life together is watching our relationship grow and deepen. This happens individually and jointly. Personal growth in marriage can be like parallel play in preschool. Sometimes you do your own thing alongside someone else doing their own thing. You appreciate what the other is doing, but are content to work in your end of the sandbox.

Other times, we learn together. There’s a problem to solve, and we each bring our skills to the table. We research. Try trial and error. Ask for help. Compromise. We grow and mature through all the victories, challenges, disappointments, and sacrifices God allows in our lives. 

But the key to growth at every stage of marriage is relationship. As an empty nest couple, we aren’t joined at the hip, but we are committed to making our relationship, our “just two,” a priority.

And that’s really where we differ from Flame (beside the fact that we are not dogs). Flame’s “just two” brought him into our personal space for a very brief period of time. By God’s grace, I pray our version of “just two” will see us entwined in each other’s space for years to come.

Are you adjusting to reality as “just two”? Or maybe you’ve been that way for a while. What do you focus on to keep your relationships strong? Share your thoughts in the comments!