If Parenting Had Do-Overs

Being an empty-nest parent is like being a Monday morning quarterback. You find yourself looking back on a game you’ve already played, and analyzing what you could have done differently. 

Prior to motherhood, I was a reasonably confident decision-maker. Parenting turned me into a second-guesser. How would my decisions impact my children’s character and competency in adulthood?

And there were so many decisions.

Spanking or time out? PG movies or G-rated only? Homeschool, Christian school, or public school? Allowance earned for chores, or as a blessing from the family resources (or not at all)? And let’s not forget rules for phones, friends, and dating. Every parenting decision felt critical.

I fretted about being too permissive, too strict, too insular, too worldly, too hovering, too removed.

And I wondered, only half-jokingly, which of my parenting foibles would send my kids into therapy as adults. 

Can I have a do-over?

As an empty-nest parent, I’m still critiquing my child-rearing years. And there are definitely some places I wish for a do-over.

When the kids were little, we used the concept of a do-over to reinforce house rules: “Did you forget to take off your muddy boots when you came in the house? Better go back to the garage for a do-over.”

Or as a reminder of good manners: “I’m sure you meant to say please when you asked for a snack. Let’s try a do-over.”

And, lest you think I was a saint, also in exasperation: “Go back upstairs and walk down like a civilized person instead of a herd of elephants!” (I call this a do-over in disguise.)

I know I cannot rescript what my kids learned from me as they grew up. But if I could, here are three places I wish I had a do-over.

Ask for forgiveness

We taught our kids to take responsibility for their actions, and to make apologies and seek forgiveness when they hurt someone. In hindsight, I did not model this well. 

Although I said “I’m sorry” readily enough, especially in the teen years, I often lacked the humility to ask, “Will you forgive me?” I presumed on our relationship and took their forgiveness for granted, robbing them of the opportunity to practice granting it.

Take risks 

I don’t need this do-over so that I can parachute out of a plane or bungee jump off a cliff. I want it because I did not lead by example when I taught my kids to dream.

They did not see me challenging myself. I chose things I could do, rather than ones that stretched me. I feared failure and success equally, seeing neither as foundations for growth.

By erring on the side of caution instead of occasionally throwing it to the wind, I missed the opportunity to inspire my children.

Accept help

It’s instinctive for parents to help their kids as they grow up. We tie their shoes, teach them to drive, and everything in between. Along the way, we get accustomed to being the experts. 

I bought into the hype that “Mom and Dad can do it all.” But when I think I can do it all, I’m in danger of believing I should do it all. Over the years I have developed an automatic “Nah, I’ve got this,” response to offers of help. 

For my final do-over, I want my kids to see me accepting help. 

What will that teach them?

First, that there’s no shame in admitting you need help. That there is joy in sharing the task and working together even if you could do it all yourself. And that others thrive when you invite them to use their gifts to serve you.

Look ahead with hope

We made our mistakes with the best of intentions.

But I can look back with gratitude rather than regret, because despite my shortcomings, the Lord provided other mentors who brought their own good examples into my kids’ lives. 

And I can look forward with hope, using what I’ve learned, asking for forgiveness, taking more risks, and accepting help. 

Much as we wish it, there are no do-overs in parenting. But thankfully, there are second chances.